I've always admired people who create something and unabashedly put it out there for others to see and critique. Whether it be a painting, a film, a poem or a hand-carved wooden chair, the fact that the craftsman behind it took the steps to produce and then showcase the piece is worthy of recognition and respect, even if it's complete shit. Especially if it's complete shit.
I have stacks of paper, both physical and virtual, that I keep hidden and never intend for anyone to see. To an extent, I'm very careful about the things I let others view so as to craft my public persona. I'm not editing my interests and expression to become something I'm not, but the whole of my being is layered and complex, and much of the work I do- my writing, specifically- is not in a place where I feel I can share it. Sometimes this is because I'm afraid of hurting people, or of shocking them. Sometimes it's because I know it's not very good.
I was sitting in a cafe last week and was working on a self-promotional advertising piece for my portfolio. As I played with fonts and the way certain elements of the piece came together, I was painfully aware of the young man beside me, catching glimpses of my work out of the corner of his eye as he tried to read some terribly boring looking financial spreadsheets on his computer (I too was catching glimpses at his work). There were moments when I wanted to turn to him and say, "Look, it's not done yet, okay. It's not ready, so don't judge it," which is silly seeing as I spy on other people constantly. I try to read the scribblings of fellow train passengers, whether they be writing notes for their novel or their grocery list, I watch girls in the library retouch photos from their weekend out with friends, I watch boys in school draw cartoons alongside their notes in class. I admire these people for just doing it, for exposing their talents and letting others view their work while it's still in the process of being completed, even if it does just get shut up in a notebook never to be seen again.
I've always known, but have been loath to admit, that I am afraid of being bad at something. It is for this reason that I never learned to tap dance, play an instrument or seriously take up skiing. When I start something, I want to be good straight away, and fear or failing, or of not being spectacular right off the bat, has held me back. It's time that I start sharing my creativity, I think, and stand behind my work knowing that it's not the best, but it's at least a gallant effort.
And just for the hell of it, here's a picture of Ernest Hemingway in a bathtub. How's that for inspiration?
It is only natural to not attempt things out of fear of failure and to save ourselves form embarrassment. We all try things and then say, “at least I tried”, justifying our failure, as it were. However, is it failure to try, to attempt things, even when we know deep down that we will not be the next Menuine, or be able to rapidly tap our feet across the stage to the accompaniment of music and dazzle an audience. When one is learning, developing an art or trying something of any kind, it is always worth remembering that progress comes from trial and error, and that as one learns, the graph of measurement will move in a northerly direction only to dip before adopting its upward trend again. Putting it out there is good and applies to many of lifes challenges
ReplyDeleteThe fear of failure runs deep in our family I think. For all the bravado, much of which is not false, there is always that bar that hangs abouve our heads much like Damocles sword. I find myself in a constant battle with myself, to not sabotage my own ambition. If I have free time (haha), and spend it "frivolously" I rarely truly or deeply enjoy it for in the back of my head I know I am not doing something "productive" (like art). Add on top of that, that everything we do, has to be as good as it possibly can be, since we have such a high standard set up for us, intentional or not. It is a double edged sword, have a great work ethic serves you well professionally, but not so much with personal endeavors. I can relate, and sympathize with the how you feel about your writing.
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