Rules of the Baggage Claim

Look, I understand that flying is a bitch- having to pay to check bags, the fact that planes smell like baby vomit and stale farts and the stress and discomfort of TSA security all culminate in an agreed-upon wretched experience. But for me, these annoyances now come standard and I'm able to easily overlook them. What pisses me off about flying, dear passengers, is you*.

Particularly I hate the way you behave in airports- carrying stinky fast food onto the aircraft, meandering aimlessly through airport terminals so I have to dodge around you as if I were running an obstacle course in the boot-camp from hell, and worst of all, I hate the way you crowd around the baggage claim the way packs of salivating wolves do a wounded cow.



To help correct the situation, let me propose five baggage claim rules that, when followed, will make all of our journeys to our final destinations more pleasant:

1. When arriving at the baggage claim, do not stand directly against the luggage belt. This deters anyone from being able to properly see the bags further up the belt and also makes retrieving a bag without jostling, or seriously injuring, a number of people nearly impossible.

2. Do not, under any circumstances, let your children near the baggage claim. The belt is not a ride or a toy, it is something that will pinch them and make them cry and the last thing I need at the tail-end of my airplane journey is to hear your dumb toddler wailing at the top of his/her lungs.

3. You know how at neighborhood picnics there is always some imbecile who pokes every hamburger bun in the pile before finding the one he wants? Well, that person also exists at the baggage claim and he'll touch every black piece of luggage that is not his, regardless of size, shape, adorning ribbon, or luggage tag, just because he's an idiot. Know what you're looking for, pay attention to detail, and don't just fondle every bag that passes you by.

4. Help out old people. It's painful to see old people trying to hoist oversized luggage off the carousel, so when a decrepit 80 year-old walks up to retrieve her vintage floral suitcase, walk up beside her and offer to help. She'll probably say something really sweet about how strong and young and attractive you are for helping her, and everyone else will be relieved to know grandma's not going to break her arm off getting her bag and then hold them up in the airport even longer.

5. If you have many bags, don't pile them in an inconvenient place as you wait for the others to arrive. Put them in a corner, or at least far away from the belt and the main walkway. I know it can be difficult to maneuver many bags at a time, but your overpacking should not hinder my walking, so keep them out of the way.

Lastly, I just want to make a plea for everyone to take some calming deep breaths and chill out in the airport. It's not a scary place. It's a weird place, sometimes freakishly so, but overall the staff is doing everything they can to not piss you off. So, try not to get pissed off, use your manners, be considerate of others and have a good flight.

*You is the general populace and is in no ways indicative of you, dear reader.

(image via ivy league insecurities)